Posts tagged 24
Posts tagged 24
It’s the eve of my 24th birthday. I’m sitting in my room, Adele playing in the background, the last twelve months flashing before my eyes.
The days are long but the years seem to fly by.
A lot has changed in this past year. In every aspect of my life. With all the people in my life.
It’s funny how different of a person you can become in a mere 365 days. Or maybe not different, maybe I mean to say it’s funny how much closer you can come to finding, or losing, yourself in that time.
Some days I feel like I’m losing time. More often than not, it feels like I’m wasting it on over-exhausted efforts, stress, depression, anxiety, anger, work, work, work…
Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost my vitality.
I’ve been making a lot of promises to myself and for some reason I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping them. I need to change that. There’s a lot that needs to change actually. This is a great opportunity.
Time for some birthday resolutions.
There was a moment in time when life was simpler. When decisions were easier to make, time seemed endless, love lasted forever, dreams came true and we all felt limitless. Like immortal beings blessed with the skill to conquer the world, to conquer everything. Unbreakable.
I don’t know when it all changed. I think I went to sleep one day as a child filled with a fairytale imagination and woke up a bitter mess of an adult. Every decision seems costly, love has ended way too many times, dreams were carried on false hope and all there seems to be are limits.
I’ve never felt so broken, so beaten down by life and I’m barely reaching my mid-twenties. I feel like in these twenty-four years of living I’ve experienced too much for my age. I feel older than I am, I’m exhausted.
Everything is a challenge. Everything comes with an obstacle, maybe two, maybe ten. There are no easy decisions. No fairytales.
Life is simply lived. That doesn’t even sound like a good thing. I feel aged in all the wrong ways. I’m worn out.
To be honest, I was never given the opportunity of being a kid, I had no real childhood. When I was younger, my parents would constantly tell me to act like an adult. I had to be a grown-up.
Nowadays, I act out. Making child-like decisions in adult situations. I choose the easier route because I’m too emotionally scared to deal with the reality of the moment.
I question everything. No intention seems genuine. Nothing feels real anymore. I’m not sure that it ever did. I keep evaluating and re-evaluating my decisions, my thoughts, my goals, my dreams… do I even have dreams anymore?
I feel like I’m standing still. It’s as if I fell in love with time but time didn’t want to stand still with me.
That is the metaphor that sums up my life. And it’s pathetic.
“Twenty-three and twenty-four were some of the most confusing times of my life. Twenty-five is so much more clear and simple. As far as doing more for yourself. Fuck yeah. Do it. Don’t wait for others. You really are far too kind and I’ve learned that those types of people are only happy if they expect nothing in return. I always thought I never needed anything in return. I am a giver too. But the reality of the matter is if its not returned then you’re wasting your time. Even if you don’t want to think so. As far as people being disappointing. That’s the name of the game. The percentage of people that can fulfill your needs for a relationship and friendship is extremely low. They are all out for themselves. Even your closest friends can become strangers. The only thing you can do is to keep your head up and move forward. Even if it means change. Change from what you’ve known your whole life…bottom line is there are going to be times that you feel like you’re drowning. And there are going to be times that you want to drown. The light is not always visible. And there are no answers. Faith and love are not enough. Finding happiness has no map. Make your own but also know that being unhappy does not mean that you have failed. It means that you are alive and well.”