Posts tagged Friendship
Posts tagged Friendship
I had surgery yesterday. I won’t bore you with details or specifics, frankly, that part is a little private. I know I can be candid, this blog is my venue for tangents and outlets, but in most cases I like to keep a hint of ambiguity even in my declarations.
But I’m here to vent about something more painful than surgery, though it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to go through on my own.
There are moments in your life when you realize who is truly there for you. Yesterday was one of those moments for me.
There I lay on a hospital bed, teary-eyed, in severe pain, thinking about how I wish I could’ve had my best friend by my bedside. And in that moment of physical agony I was beaten with a notion that up until then I’d refused to accept: I no longer have that best friend.
Over the course of the past year, my best friend and I had somewhat of a falling out. To me, it was more like her pushing me out of the picture. And I’ve managed to deal with that pain for months now. I made every attempt I could to reconcile the friendship, and every effort was thwarted.
At one point I thought we’d made progress. After months of neglect, she asked to meet. And we did. And we talked. And though I knew it could never really be the way it once was, I expected more than what it turned out to be.
We became something a little more than acquaintances but far less than friends. We would talk here and there, with weeks passing in between. And everyday I realized I was holding on to nothing but still, I was hopeful.
Yesterday was a slap in the face. In spite of our so-called “falling out” I had expected that her promise of always being there for me to be true. I guess only because knowing myself, had it been her on an operating bed, I would’ve made sure to have been there, even if I wasn’t asked. And that’s not something I assume I would’ve done, no, that’s something I know. And it’s something she knows.
Her absence yesterday forged a bigger hole in my heart. During the procedure and after, between tears, shrieks and the under-exaggerated “discomfort”, I had thought about how much less this would’ve hurt, emotionally, if I had her support by my side. And the more I thought about it, the harder I cried and the angrier I became. I was more upset with the fact that I felt I couldn’t count on her anymore.
I think it’s time I gave up hope. The person who used to call herself my best friend disappeared far before her physical presence in my life faded. And I had known that, and it had hurt. But I pushed forward, I fought for it, I did my best and I gave up too much of myself along the way.
I can’t keep myself and still keep you too.
It’s been over four months now since the last time that we spoke. Although I made it a resolution not to miss you this new year, I can’t seem to help myself.
I find myself thinking about your dorky laugh, your foolish unthoughtfulness, your conservative opinions, your stubbornness and your eager motivation to prove me wrong.
At one point, you were really good for me.
I’d hate for you to read too much into that, so let me explain…
You were once a great friend. You listened. You advised. You cared. I felt like I could trust you with anything and everything.
And for a moment, I did. That’s where I went wrong.
I don’t blame you. I failed our friendship.
I contemplate calling, but I’ve made it a point not to fold. That’s the one thing we both had in common: stubbornness. So, I refuse.
Despite missing you. In spite of wanting you in my life. I just can’t.
The more I try to forget you, the harder it seems to get. How does a friendship fade like that?
And as Norah Jones “Don’t Know Why” plays in the background of this desperate attempt at nostalgia, I guess there’s nothing really left to say except…
My heart is drenched in wine, but you’ll be on my mind forever
I miss you.
“Twenty-three and twenty-four were some of the most confusing times of my life. Twenty-five is so much more clear and simple. As far as doing more for yourself. Fuck yeah. Do it. Don’t wait for others. You really are far too kind and I’ve learned that those types of people are only happy if they expect nothing in return. I always thought I never needed anything in return. I am a giver too. But the reality of the matter is if its not returned then you’re wasting your time. Even if you don’t want to think so. As far as people being disappointing. That’s the name of the game. The percentage of people that can fulfill your needs for a relationship and friendship is extremely low. They are all out for themselves. Even your closest friends can become strangers. The only thing you can do is to keep your head up and move forward. Even if it means change. Change from what you’ve known your whole life…bottom line is there are going to be times that you feel like you’re drowning. And there are going to be times that you want to drown. The light is not always visible. And there are no answers. Faith and love are not enough. Finding happiness has no map. Make your own but also know that being unhappy does not mean that you have failed. It means that you are alive and well.”
We became something less than friends, we became neighbors. And though we were closer by proximity, the distance between us felt infinite. We stopped being ourselves and turned into the people we despised in each other, making excuses for the reasons we grew apart. Substituting the pain with words that caused more wounds than our actions ever did. Balancing ourselves on the fine line that separated love and hate, although it seemed easier to show malice, it made us seem less vulnerable. The people we once were, the people we once meant to each other, lost themselves in the immeasurable space that grew exponentially with time. The more I tried becoming someone of his fancy, the more he turned into the type of person he once warned me about. Our kindred hearts faded and this liberation transformed into a melancholy form of a winter solstice. The days grew longer, the nights seemed lonelier. Words could no longer savor what was left of this dying amity, their meanings having been lost along this road of negligence. We played reckless with our emotions, inattentive to each others needs. All we had left was an ounce of discourageable faith, hope that seemed all the more hopeless with every fleeting moment.
Photo courtesy of: southern-comfort
Is it possible to be friends with someone you once called your lover?
Drake said it best, ‘the hottest love has the coldest end…’ but the weather never stays the same.
I have this ex that I’ve been missing like crazy. It ended just as quickly as it started and I can honestly say it was one of the most amazing, intellectually stimulating, passionatley inticing relationships I’ve ever experienced. And the way it ended… simply ridiculous and faulty. We were wreckless and weren’t prepared for the consequences of that irresponsibility.
Nonetheless, I’ve found myself up at night thinking about him and realizing how nostaligic I am of his company. And by his own declaration, he’s been feeling the same way. Amidst the lustful but fervent affair, we used to lay around for hours talking about anything and everything: music, books, art, poetry, history, politics, sports and all the trivial things in between. And though it’s hard to get passed the past, we both came to the conclusion, on seperate occasions, that not being in eachothers lives just isn’t a plausible option.
And so… we are working on a friendship. A strictly platonic, intellectual, honest and of course true friendship.
This can work, right?