Posts tagged Lyrics

I had surgery yesterday. I won’t bore you with details or specifics, frankly, that part is a little private. I know I can be candid, this blog is my venue for tangents and outlets, but in most cases I like to keep a hint of ambiguity even in my declarations.

But I’m here to vent about something more painful than surgery, though it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to go through on my own.

There are moments in your life when you realize who is truly there for you. Yesterday was one of those moments for me.

There I lay on a hospital bed, teary-eyed, in severe pain, thinking about how I wish I could’ve had my best friend by my bedside. And in that moment of physical agony I was beaten with a notion that up until then I’d refused to accept: I no longer have that best friend.

Over the course of the past year, my best friend and I had somewhat of a falling out. To me, it was more like her pushing me out of the picture. And I’ve managed to deal with that pain for months now. I made every attempt I could to reconcile the friendship, and every effort was thwarted.

At one point I thought we’d made progress. After months of neglect, she asked to meet. And we did. And we talked. And though I knew it could never really be the way it once was, I expected more than what it turned out to be.

We became something a little more than acquaintances but far less than friends. We would talk here and there, with weeks passing in between. And everyday I realized I was holding on to nothing but still, I was hopeful.

Yesterday was a slap in the face. In spite of our so-called “falling out” I had expected that her promise of always being there for me to be true. I guess only because knowing myself, had it been her on an operating bed, I would’ve made sure to have been there, even if I wasn’t asked. And that’s not something I assume I would’ve done, no, that’s something I know. And it’s something she knows.

Her absence yesterday forged a bigger hole in my heart. During the procedure and after, between tears, shrieks and the under-exaggerated “discomfort”, I had thought about how much less this would’ve hurt, emotionally, if I had her support by my side. And the more I thought about it, the harder I cried and the angrier I became. I was more upset with the fact that I felt I couldn’t count on her anymore.

I think it’s time I gave up hope. The person who used to call herself my best friend disappeared far before her physical presence in my life faded. And I had known that, and it had hurt. But I pushed forward, I fought for it, I did my best and I gave up too much of myself along the way.

I can’t keep myself and still keep you too.

It is officially the first of the year and my how things have changed. 

I’ve sat staring at a computer screen for what feels like forever, attempting to write about the triumphs and tribulations of a year that has ended and the hope and promise of the year that has begun.

This is probably my most difficult post.

Every year I am in awe of the changes that occur in my life. Every December I sit back and recollect on the last eleven months, mentally thumbing through memories, both good and bad. Every year I feel like a different kind of person. And every year I make this statement: This year has been the most challenging year of my life.

2011 was life altering. 

It was a year of consistent change. I lost everything from weight to friends and gained an entirely different world. I felt immeasurable pain and infinite devotion. Relationships I thought were impenetrable somehow withered away. People I never fathomed of losing have been at a loss to me. And the numbing torment of that emptiness is a constant reminder.

I fell in love.

The most intense and indescribable kind of love. With someone not even the man of my dreams could measure up to. I never truly believed I would ever be able to say that. I’d given up. But maybe the was the key, giving up. And as unconventional as we’d started, we have an unconventional kind of love. Who ever knew that a best friend and a boyfriend could be one in the same?

I made no resolutions this year.

I want to go about life as it comes, without making empty promises to myself. I know there will be struggle. I know there will be strain. But 2011 emotionally kicked my ass, in the worst and best way possible. And I survived it. 

To those I’ve gained and to those I’ve lost: I love you, with all of my heart, despite and in spite of the past, present and future. 

May your years be blessed.