Posts tagged Ramadan Mubarak
Posts tagged Ramadan Mubarak
It’s nights like these when religion doesn’t seem fathomable. When God can only be found at the bottom of an empty bottle or the bed of a reticent lover. I tried praying but my sins speak volumes, drowning out the verses of hymns I recite in monotone recollections. Does faith count when it’s faithless? This all feels too routine. I can’t remember the last time God and I spoke but it must’ve ended on bad terms. My prayers seem to have gone unanswered. Do these fasts even count? With a mind that wanders through thoughts of sin, eyes that partake in treachery, hands that itch at the sight of sunset, tingling at the essence of lost virtue. I’ve been counting down the hours, minutes, seconds up to this momentary lapse of inhibitions. Temptation etched on the palms of a clandestine lover, heavy with indulgence, reeking of coaxed immoderation. I can’t hide these thoughts from Him. I spend my waking hours consciously fighting back my own conscience, deciphering right from wrong, calculating my every transgression. Is it considered belief if I’m constantly questioning?
It’s officially the first day of the holy month of Ramadan and somehow I’ve never felt more unholy myself.
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last eight months of the year committing more time to sin than religion. Maybe because I’ve told more lies than truths, kept more secrets and made it an incentive to become a more selfish person.
This time of year is for the purification of mind and body but how does someone purify their soul? Yes, I can commit myself to conceding food and water. I can keep my thoughts occupied with work, family, friends and even religious scripts. I can pray. I can spend the next thirty days confined to faith.
But what happens on the thirty-first day?
What happens when Ramadan is over and all that surrounds me is no longer consumed by religion? What happens when we all go back to eating while the sun is out, sinning when it sets and absorbing ourselves in the lives we led before August 1st? How does thirty days, more or less, purify the talking demon from within?
This year I’m starting Ramadan with more questions than answers. It’s the first year I find myself questioning my faith…not in religion, but in myself. Do I want to be the holier version of myself? Am I ready, willing, to give up indulgence for creed? Maybe the answers lie within the questions themselves. If I am questioning my own conviction than where does that leave my soul?
Ramadan is an emotional journey. Every year we devote ourselves to a month of blatant worship, obligating ourselves to mandatory prayer and conscious faith. With every growling stomach comes the reminder that religion is an everyday part of life. It is a necessity, like the water and food we’ve forfeited. Ramadan is a concentration camp. It is a deliberate awareness of faith.
Day one and I am already feeling faithless. Can thirty days of religion cleanse a sinner’s heart?
“The month of Ramadan is that in which the Quran was revealed, guidance to men and clear proofs of the guidance and the distinction; therefore whoever of you is present in the month, he shall fast therein…” Quran 2:185